things will get better

I've begun telling myself this: things will get better. It is good to tell myself this. Much better than the litany of  "it can only get worse. Help is coming one day late. You can only be misunderstood. You are not breaking a law, but definitely an unwritten rule. It's only a matter of time before someone shoots you." Repetitions like that do no one any good. Even though they seem to proffer facts for the disapproving person's approval. Better to affirm what you know is good about yourself. Hold onto your agency, even as the scrupulous grind away. Things will definitely get better.

What I don't get are the comments that go from indifference to condemnation with no in between - not even, you're a friend and I'm concerned. Nor even an allowance, You're the artist, so you must know what you're doing. There are days I feel like I'm abandoned. I'm very conscious that things I try don't work very well. I've lacked audacity and aggressiveness and , that word, agency. 

Lev Vygotsky, the Soviet educational theorist, had the observation that children's success depended on learning and behavior being modeled. He called this scaffolding. A child learns because an adult or someone more adept demonstrates through behavior how something is done. This works across the spectrum for social skills as well as in subjects of theoretical knowledge. Without scaffolding, a child is pretty sad. When I heard this in class, I immediately identified. I'm that kid.

Things will get better. I'm improving. Mary, Mother of God, be with me; help your miscarriage along the path.