I assume no one is reading

Lately I've written so seldom, infrequently more accurately, that anyone coming to my blog is perhaps doing so by accident - the entropy of research and inquisition. I was thinking just yesterday about a topic, one I've toyed with often, that ponders how our symbolic world is made up our projections. The big thing here is Fichte's contention that our view of God is "only" projection. This is a serious difficulty - as listening to people who claim ortho-orthodoxy talk about God, I'm struck by how this God seems to be an extension of their own desires, their own will.
I'm not the first to notice this. It's almost a commonplace: people talking about god are talking about themselves in a loud voice. Lacan, who speaks of the signifier, might say that God is simply The Other - the voice of a parent or other authority figure that speaks through the person. When I've scored student essays I've encountered this - the unmistakable rant of grand father coming out of the mouth of the child.
This is the problem of speaking about God - that we are densely entangled in our own words and the words of others (which form most of the content of our words).
Finding my own words has been my search. I've discovered that it's easy, common, to be possessed by a signifier. I've switched one political signifier for another, only to discover that the anger remains. More than ever, I know that emotion over-rides intellect. In trying to get beyond images and signifiers, again and again I run into emotional investments.
Why am I angry, I may ask? Is it because I need the validation of an other, The Other?
Jung posits that the unconscious characters of our psyche are projected onto other people and things - that we don't see or know these people - only our projections onto them. That we are trapped in our own subjectivity.
How to get out?
Certainly the Bible might be useful, but too often the people who want to control access to what the Bible means are nearly psychotic - depending on how emotionally invested they are in America Freedom Orthodoxy. I certainly feel their frustration. The fact that they are frustrated should give them pause. A God who was not just "one thing among others" wouldn't need their frustration.
In the last few years I've come to realize that the Christianity I was brought up in is heretical. It doesn't feel like heresy while you're in it: revivals, altar calls, sermons on godless communism and some kid who had an accident before he could be saved - all seem normal at the time, but then fade. Any study of history and theology exposes them. Yet here dwells the signifier with its loyal servants, emotionally invested and ready for battle against the World.
Even as I try to write some new thing about God, I discover that I'm writing that same old thing again. Let me just say that Marcion was onto something: we must dispose of the violent Old Testament God - which is a projection onto the Jewish God of the violence that holds seemingly every time hostage. Violence is a sign of our emotional attachment.
I don't mean to disparage emotional attachments - it's what binds friends together, parents and children - it's what keeps us together as well as apart. It's only that once an idea is bound to an emotion, that idea is never let go of. It takes a lot of work - and the problem itself, lodged in the unconscious, is invisible to a person's ego. I assume that the error is in the other person (that idiot who cut in line, the person espousing the party line), the object of my violent thoughts, and not in myself, not in that part of me that is the unconscious, where this thing, this battle with The Other, is being worked out.
Already I can tell that my readers are confused by me.
When I was able to lay aside the emotional attachment to the Church I grew up in, I became attached to another Way - an evangelical belief - which led to an attachment to an Orthodox belief and finally a more fully formed Reformed belief. What I notice is that even as signifiers changed, my emotional commitments remained the same. I thought some belief along the way, some doctrinal formulation, some credal assent, some spiritual experience, would assuage the pain.This is elusive. Perhaps what I'm seeking is a more refined signifier.
I baldly say that I'm constructing God. I assert that others who are shocked at that assertion, have merely constructed God under the cover of authorities. A God though who might be authorized by authorities is less than what people hopefully mean by God: infinite eternal immutable in being power and attributes.
Test: Do you feel free or caged in? Does knowledge substitute for knowing yourself? Do you become angry at the 'stupidity' of others? Are your buttons easily pushed? Do you know what it is you want?  These are the things spirituality and faith should be aiding in positive, soul building directions. Anger, frustration, alienation - concomitant with the need to be authorized by an other point in the opposite direction. Do you find yourself in a group, and that group feeding you - as Jung would point out "inflating" you. It is typical that such a group with its power of orthodoxy (or what passes for orthodoxy) would inflate an individual's ego. That inflation of the ego is one aspect of group power, What fails to be effected is any real growth in the individual.The God put forward by such groups tends to be confining. I know. I struggled to maintain that sense of exclusiveness.
I say no more to this. I also say my faith has never felt stronger or more authentic.
One thing that makes it authentic is the realization that God must die many deaths; what dies in these deaths is not God qua God but the accretions of qualities I've projected onto the idea of an almighty Other.
That's enough for now.