life as the imaginary number

I is i. What rooting square gives wholeness to a negative one. A negative one wanders long through life, sapped and flustered. 

Lacan says my anxiety is over whether I'm alive or dead; M Klein would say that I have to let my object (theory) die so that I can use it; Jung says that I can learn how to die. Paul says that he died in Christ. So there is a dying that is not the death drive - but something else. Nor is it, I think, self denial. I feel it is being more at home with myself. 

Is it possible that I don't need 'your' approval? Is it possible that I am not in trouble and it's not my fault? 

I realized yesterday that the only time adults spoke with me when I was a child was when I'd done something wrong or was doing something they didn't like. I shouldn't say "only time" perhaps, but "significant times". I think, "I can live the next decades of my life without it being my fault.Without feeling bad, without needing approval." 

And I don't enjoy being laughed at when 'you' catch me in what you think is a mistake. If I say RosenKlavier instead of Rosen Kavilier, there are other ways to react than ridiculing me. If I spend money for something in the house, I'm not a fool for doing what 'you' wouldn't have done. People do stupid things, make mistakes, but humiliation is not the proper response. Kindness is always the proper response.

For many years I made jokes and took every thing in a joking way. My therapists pointed out to me that I'd talk about painful events in my past and laugh. It's what my dad does, it's what some of my friends do. But I no longer want to do that. I no longer want to give fuel to my super ego.

I don't know how I will do this, only that I will take small steps. Small steps will eventually accomplish a journey.I feel that pain and sarcasm define too much of my life and output up to this day. I am privileging kindness and connection now. Connection is joy. To be on the Deleuzean line of flight and connect is the most anti-fascist thing an individual can do.

I am interested in meeting people who are experiencing the same things and striking up friendships. I am interested in meeting people who are open to adventures in thought and faith and spirituality and art. People who are open, not closed. 

I am small. 

I am here for the time, this time, like light coming through a window. For a while I hope to brighten some space. Then as Whitman said, Look for me under your boot soles ... I stop somewhere waiting for you.