new year's eve prattle - I thought 'pallivar' was a word akin to gibberish, but I was mistaken

I defer speaking about anything - my life's work is in my drawings and paintings - and so much has taken time to mature ; I feel at times my words were taken away from me by teachers and pastors, friends and non-friends. I think when Agnes Martin says that she paints with her back to the world, she means she's cutting off the demand, the desire, of the other. I was once stumped by an interviewer's question - what do I want? He was not satisfied with any answer I gave - in fact, was pretty rude about it. Lacan would say it's a trick question in that my questioner didn't know what he wanted either.

my watercolor homage to man ray's prayer 

prayer in the lower case

a recent facebook post that explains some things about my anxiety and desire

I get riled sometimes, as I am sure we all do. For me some comments just trigger memories of bullying and abuse from when I was younger. Sure, why don't I just get over it? But it is never so easy - or I should say that I wonder at people for whom such "getting over it" is easy. Most of my experiences of church and school are negative - so when I see people championing the conventional, conservative, authoritarian institutions and structures that symbolize society and family, I see special pleading for abusers and a delight in snuffing out creativity. What I see is real - not something made up. For me, there is no "golden age" to get back to - there are no fundamentals or absolutes that don't contain the message "shut up and do as you're told" - the mantra of people holding onto power whose own impotence halos them in irony.

my writing analyzed by watson via npr which had a program on this recently

Summary

You are unconventional.

You are empathetic: you feel what others feel and are compassionate towards them. You are proud: you hold yourself in high regard, satisfied with who you are. And you are calm-seeking: you prefer activities that are quiet, calm, and safe.

You are motivated to seek out experiences that provide a strong feeling of well-being.

You consider helping others to guide a large part of what you do: you think it is important to take care of the people around you. You are relatively unconcerned with tradition: you care more about making your own path than following what others have done.

The NPR segment

watson-pi-demo.mybluemix.netwatson's writing analysis

Seems like me : I had to cobble together 4503 words to get a strong analysis. Initially I put in 3000 words and got a decent analysis - but the extra words didn't so much change the findings as add a bit - that I am unconventional and unconcerned with tradition. Lacan identified writing with the real; certainly our writing speaks about who we are. My conflicts come from trying to be someone else - trying to be traditional, for instance.

a facebook post on annie get your gun's effect on my development

I mostly cut and paste here from my facebook timeline. It seems more fruitful that way.

when I was 4, my parents took me to the Newton High senior class play - Annie Get Your Gun. I remember this play because I had a world class melt down - I'm sure I melted down several other times, but this is the one that sticks in my memory: I really believed that I should be on the stage - "hey, I'm supposed to be up there!" Where'd I get that Idea? I even remember the reason for my melt down and it was perfectly logical to me - though befuddling to my parents. I also remember seeing the play and hearing the songs - so I must have gotten it together. All these years Annie Get Your Gun has been a touchstone for me. It's the story of a girl, Annie, who leaves her gun at home, while going on a duck hunting field trip with her classmates. No one wants to loan her or share their gun with her - she as to go back and get her own gun - hopefully returning in time for the duck hunting finals. Along the way she visits the emperor of China (disguised as a dance hall bouncer); wins a pie eating contest; befriends an orphan (who grows up to become James Garfield, our greatest president) - when she finally gets home she discovers that she hadn't forgotten her gun at all. So she hurries back, via balloon, to the duck hunting finale, where an outpouring of charity bestows on her five more guns - which she fires simultaneously to bring home the Mallard Medal. The musical ends with "
Any farce you can make, I can make broader".

my neck surgery

On Oct 26 I had neck surgery. The surgeon added some titanium shims between the c3 and c6  vertebrae and took out some bone. This allows my spinal cord to fill out. It's pinched and my right hand was experiencing numbness. It is a matter of time if waiting to see how much of my nerves in my right arm and hand recover. I'm glad I did this when I noticed it, instead of toughing it out. Although I had perhaps toughened it out a few months more than I should have. I had noticed this happening back in June and only talked with my physician about it in August. I thought it was like something I'd had 5 years earlier in Durham, where they provided me with a splint on my left wrist to ease the pressure on my left ulnar nerve. 

some color

Recent watercolors: I believe that I'm getting better - whatever that might mean; much as I think better and speak better. Lately, I'm taking care of my body better. I discovered that much of my neck strain is from over using large muscles. I am learning how to engage the smaller muscles, to use them instead of bunching up around my neck. This feels wonderful. It's like getting the smartest kid in class to be quiet and let the other students answer. 

holiday vignettes, 2015

reading lacan's "anxiety"

For the holidays, I try to incorporate popular themes into my drawings. This particularly dense sketchbook drawing began as a modest reflection on Christmas: Santa eats a turkey leg carved by an apron wearing elf; I made the composition balanced on the next page with a ham slice eating pilgrim. Before I knew it, I had included other elements: a hare jumping over a jagged horizon as a clock strikes midnight; dogs and cats; a dice playing lobster; mid century locomotives on a collision course; and Lacan's graph of desire. In fact, one table is labeled with the matheme for fantasy and the other with the matheme for drive. The floor decoration refers to Lacan's various topologies for the subject's connection to the real, the imaginary and the symbolic. Topping it off, I am bothered by the hymn Harvest Home (an annoyance I've elaborated in other recent drawings). Perhaps the drawing is an attempt at saying, "use the holidays to traverse the fantasy and ride the drive." - so it brings a message of hope for everyone.